so im gonna have this be my outlet cuz right now im soooo totally confused. so i know that i have a baaad habit of pickin the wrong dudes. one person that i work wit, he and i were the BEST of friends. we were so similar that it was sickening. and then we chose to become more than friends. which was friends wit benefits. oh yeah,i find out after the fact he was wit somebody. the truth set in and it became clear that i wasnt the first chick he messed around with and as good as i am i aint gonna be the last well it was just fun sex to me and i didnt have anything that i owed anybody but myself. so as long as i was havin fun it was good. then he would start to make lil comments like "if we was together...", "if you were my woman....", "i wish that." and i started to feel like this is changing, becoming something else. well i tried to talk to him about to find out where his head was and i kept getting "you buggin", "its cool", "its nuttin" and things like that. then one day i hear i love you. my knee jerk reaction was to say it back. now lemme preface this now. i do love this person. he showed me wat it looks like when a real man handles his business. BUT i was not in love with him because the fact that he was with me made him suspect. now i have been in a relationship where you are together because you have been for so long and its what's normal; what's to be expected. a relationship out of convenience. but to hear how you talk about this situation and then how you act wit me? no. so when i start to see where you goin, i pull away. when a situation looks like its about to get complicated i remove myself from the equation. then the phone calls start, the text messages, the emails. you get pissed off because im not at your beck and call. your response to all of this? "you made yourself so available to me". sorry but that doesnt give you free reign to think that im here for you to play with at your lesure. so our friendship became non existent. now that is the part that ate me up inside because i value my friendship with this person is something that i value more than anything in this world. so i did my best, my part to bring life back into that. then all i hear is "i miss you", "i want you", "i want you for my birthday". then he drops a bomb on me that he is leavin the person he is wit and wants to be wit me. well im a bitch but not a fuckin bitch. so i tell him if that is what he wants he needs to take the time that he needs in order to get himself together and understand what it feels like to be a single person.he had been with this person for over 13 years if im not mistaken and that is a life that he created and built. when that goes away you lose yourself. you need time to be able to figure out who you are and what you want outta life cuz you have a life schedule, program that you work off of. so i do my best to keep you at arm's length because i dont want there to be any confusion. and also because i have no way to know 100% if you are bein straight up wit me or just sayin wat you think i wanna hear so you can have your cake and eat it too. then the weekend before my birthday we all meet up somewhere. well we havin a good time and he keeps askin me to kiss him. im like no. #1 im there wit my cousin, #2 my oldest friend is there and we have a lil history and #3 its mad inappropriate. so then me and my cuz go outside to smoke. she gets sick and its time to leave. so i call this fool to tell him im bout to leave and im comin inside to say bye and he hangs up on me and texts me "fuck you bitch". OMG. i was 2 steps in the door and i burned off. then i get all the phone calls and texts im sorry blah blah blah. Im done.... you have nothin in life that i wanted from you other than your friendship. at this point i dont even want that anymore because it is sooo jaded. im no angel but i like things neat and clean. i need to be able to get up and walk away at any moment if shit is not workin if you aint committed to me. so that is that. i got this lil bit off my chest and i feel another round comin on tomorrow. im an avid reader and i have picked up that habit lately and i feel like i wanna start writin again too.......
