what the................

okay so i dont want to sound ungrateful or anything cuz lord knows that im not.  BUT i do not want to continue to be like this.  cuz my whole life has been full of jaded or partial compliments.  i feel that the reason that you and i have been the way that we are has to do with the fact that there has been no one to say "you deal with her" to.  with the girls and my bro, you always had something with their dad but not wit mine.  deep down, i feel that the reason that its like it is is cuz he left you and you left all the others.  so since you didnt control that situation, you project that onto me.  see it dont seem so nice when you have other people using psychology on ya does it, but the truth hurts i guess huh?  i will admit to the high heavens that im a pack rat and its hard to get rid of things.  i have had so much happen to me that ive become a control freak is because of that reason.  everything else is in such utter chaos that that is the one thing that i can control.  i have never and will never try to put on a front that im as normal as they come cuz im not.  i just wish that i dont have the same relationship with my kids especially my daughters that you and i have because you were great for my brother and sisters.  me, not so much.  so you put on airs, you front to prove a point to others.  i will continue to be me, as flawed and jaded as i am.....